by Alex Warren

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The Basingstoke News.

Editorial:
Well, it's been an exciting week in Basingstoke and the world over, what with the start of World War III, nuclear holocaust, the death of the entire Royal Family, the massacre of the Government by rebel Slovakian terrorists and the discovery that life is an illusion and we're all actually amoeba-sized three-legged aliens plugged into a huge virtual reality game. However, you've no doubt heard enough of this irrelevant stuff in the national press over the last week, so here is the much more important local news.

Contents:
Man Finds Grenade In Sofa
Dog Explodes
Hamster Escapes
Charged Man Charged
Local Man Dies of Plague
"Everybody Doomed" Claims Man
News In Briefs
Correction

Man Finds Grenade In Sofa

A MAN who needed a few pounds for a crate of beer while his wife was out for the evening was shocked to find a live explosive underneath a cushion on his settee. "I just reached down the back and there it was - I threw it over the fence. God knows how it got there," said Gordon Smith, of 22 Fuchsia Terrace. On her return, Mrs. Smith said she was "astounded" that Gordon was still alive. "That was odd," said Gordon, "because I hadn't told her about the grenade yet. When I asked her about that, she said 'Don't ask me, you alcoholic wanker' - so I guess we'll just never know."

Dog Explodes

A DOG exploded unexpectedly at 24 Fuchsia Terrace on Saturday evening.

Do not approach this rodent

Hamster Escapes

A HAMSTER serving three life sentences for armed robbery, rape and murder escaped from its high-security cage on Wednesday. The public are warned to be on their guard, as a nibble from this hamster may hurt a little bit.

Charged Man Charged

A MAN who gave himself magical electrical powers by wiring himself into the mains as a small child was charged on Thursday for the alleged deliberate electrocution of Anthea Perkins in the Basingstoke Post Office last week. The man, Buzz Megavoltz, said "It was an accident - I was just standing behind her with a parcel containing a used lightning conductor and suddenly she fried." The man denied that it was just a crap story for a silly headline in the local press.

Local Man Dies of Plague

A LOCAL resident, David D'Seas, died of bubonic plague on Tuesday.

"Everybody Doomed" Claims Man

"EVERYBODY IN Basingstoke is going to die!" a man shouted on Tuesday evening. Unfortunately he was alone in Swindon at the time, and so nobody heard him.

News in Briefs

with Susan Unne De Ware

It's been an exciting week for knicker-lovers everywhere, as M&S have launched their new line of thongs. The announcement was controversial, in the same week that BHS thongs have been blamed for a spate of incidents in Basingstoke where people have been sliced vertically while wearing the thongs on the town's new "Wedgie-O-Matic" in the amusement arcade.

In other news, WNKR Laboratories in the town have finished the scientific analysis we informed you about last week, and we can exclusively reveal that there are no knickers in a Knickerbocker Glory. "This is a kick in the teeth, and in the groin" said Yvonne Fronts, President on the Basingstoke Underwear Appreciation Society.

Correction

LAST WEEK, in the article "Big Gay Mayor Steals Baby", we alleged that Mayor Shaftsbury was a 6ft 5in homosexual who went on a big crime spree, stealing televisions, videos, cocaine and small children, who once in the Philippines had hacked off a teenage boy's head with a rusty meat cleaver, has served fifteen years in prison for dealing in heroin, has three nipples, is a practising witch, in a past life killed the Archbishop of Canterbury and is a rude, heartless man who is no good at being Mayor and ought to be shot. In fact the Mayor is only 6ft 4in. We apologise for any embarrassment caused to the Mayor and his family, and are happy to set the record straight.