Letters

Send me your letters and I'll answer your questions on this page!
Click here to contact us!

YOUR THOUGHTS

Some letters received by this website between December 2003 and May 2005:

vern says:

hello kinky mark,i am concern, what makes your eyes bug out so?could it have been a horrible car accident or looking at pictures from mars to long.can socialized medicine correct such an delicate eye condition?i am from the united states so i really don't know.please email me as soon as possible,i will worry. regards,vern p s golly=bob,where can i get a tie like your?

stuart mentions:

hello,i`m 38 yrs old,brown hair blue eyes,gsh,love sex but can`t get enough,can anyone help me get a shagging,i need loads of sex and my girlfriend does`nt mind as she can`t give me sex at present due to ill health,can you help..

ben declares:

i have got a wart on the end of my knob

randy rhino pleads:

I do not appreciate my name on your web sight and I insist that you remove the letter with the name randy rhino in it immediately. Someone told me they did a google search of me and found the name at your sight. I really would appreciate you removing this . Thank You.

caroline requests:

can you email me a dirty letter with all kinky stuff in it so i can give to my boyfriend pleash? things like what i wonna do to him.etc.

debbie enthuses:

i think your site is brill!!! why isnt there any more? u could do with getting some nice pictures of what u get up to instead of writing it all!! apart from that how do i get a job where u work?

Morgane Derriault informs:

We are French manufacturer of natural sexology products. I will be visiting London from 18 to 23 of Jannuary. I will be pleased to have a meeting with you to introduce our products. Thanks for informing me if I could have a meeting with you. Looking forward to a business relationship of mutual benefit.

MORE ONE-LINERS AND FETISHES

Here are some of the emails received by Kinky Mark between March and October 2003:

reyanna demands:

Send me some of your best stuff Mark. I need to know how I can add some spice to my marriage.

How much spice is there already? Are you already at the stage of walking around the house wearing nothing but clingfilm, taking the odd month off work to invent violent new manoeuvres and trying to force your entire body into each other's genitals? If you are, there's not much I can do for you. But if you aren't, there's some ideas for you. Feel free to pop into the Emporium anytime if you'd like some one-to-one tuition.

horney vergin Bitch states:

hi im a horney vergin and a bit shy can any one help. bit nervous first time doing this.

Just lie back and relax. You can trust your Uncle Mark - just don't tell your mother.

ali corresponds:

well. I dont know what to say about it? but can tell you. I love sex so much. I don,t where I can find the pussy. so al I can say. i love pussy so much.

Jesus, if you have to ask for it you'll never find it! But just between you and me, there's plenty of videos in the basement.

olu states:

Anything goes!

Yes, but not everyone comes!

Bob informs:

searching for a black woman who's into arse play for fun and games!

Fine by us!

Randy Rhino sobs:

well, my girlfriend and i have rather a bizarre fetish if you like, we not only like to like eat each other, but we collect the cum that was developed from each of our genitals and we cook it. that way we keep our relationship hot you see... but lately my girlfriend has been cooking hers in the microwave and hasnt made me a genital cake for me for over a week. She keeps making me jealous as she says that shes fed up with my genital "aroma" as she calls it, and now shes turning to animals for more freedom. I find this horredous and absolutely foul, i wondored where our dog "max" had been for a week. He was at HER flat. Its just not on.

Maybe it's time to open your mind and buy yourself a pet robot. We have the new range of Orgasmatix® Robo-Slappers™ in stock now.

The very same Randy Rhino then tells us:

Im in love with my dog and i dont know what to do about it, its just something in those soft brown eyes that makes me shiver with pure ectasy. nah, im just joking, its my girlfriend, the bitch.

Is Randy Rhino the one with the problem here, or is it us for publishing whatever crap people send in?

madhu enquires:

i want to know about sex and also see the photos of different types of sex

Sigh, wouldn't we all! Such a shame there's hardly any pornography on the entire internet!

Steve S WLTM:

Woman Wanted!
Experience appreciated, not necessary, WLTM Rubenesque woman, pleasant, easygoing, not needy, demanding or religiously pre-occupied, good sense of humour big plus! Should enjoy a good shag!
Please, NO tobacco/drug users!

Me? Shallow, insensitive, self-centred, bit Psychotic, easy going 54yo horny American living in Dublin, doing grand on new tablets, gainfully employed, full head of hair and teeth, never been in jail or prison! Only had three previous wives and two still like me, though they can't stand to live with me!
Never smoked, rarely drinks.

We'd be pleased to pass on Steve S's email address to anybody interested. No, really!

ally is a...:

very impulsive bi female looking to be a dom for bi male. will disapline anyone who does not meet my standards. up to the age of 40 in the kent area.

Hey, I don't meet your standards - because I live nowhere near Kent! Do I need to arrange an appointment for this discipline, or can I just turn up?

 

ONE-LINERS, SERVICING AND FELCHING

After realising the email addresses listed on this site were all broken, I replaced them with an easy-to-use web-based form - just type in your message on the website and click Send. People all over the planet sent in the following in-depth insights between November 2002 and March 2003:

Stacy writes:

You can put it anywhere!

Indeed!

teacngk says:

Guys you are doing a good job, your jokes a superb. Please could you please send me some jokes regularly if not everyday.

Thanks - but no! We're too busy contorting ourselves into positions the human body was never designed to go into, to try and send out emails. You'll just have to pop in for a visit yourself - or keep eagerly checking this website for further shennanigans!

Chromeon chrome asks:

please could you tell me where on earth do you get those amazing WAV files from?

We'd love to, but masturbation not only makes you go blind, it makes you incredibly forgetful!

moossa blabbers:

free sexy photos

Is that an offer? A complement? A request? We just don't know.

Brian Gallagher advises:

Lifes too short to dance with ugly women.

Thanks for that Brian!

Heidi tantalises us by sending the same message four times:

Hello Mark how are you? I was just wondering if you offer a door to door service as me and my friends are thinking about having a kinky party the kinda thing we think you would like. mail me back big boy sorry for sending it so many times i just need to make sure you actually get it i can't wait to try put your 2 foot long penis

Oooh! We'll be in touch...

jsv demands:

Send me some nice and sexy jokes.

No you!

Chris shouts:

I BEEN TRYING TO FIND NOMARL FELMALE.YOU LIKE EMAIL NASTY TALK TO MALES & FANTIES WITHOUT JOINING SOMETHING.THAT LIKE NASTY MAYBE IN PERSON.THAT SO NASTY SHE LIKE TO SHOW WHAT SHE HAS BETEEWN LEG. TO POEPLE IN WOODS, GIVE HAND JOB AS SHE PLAY WITH HERSELF GET OFF MAYBE MORE FRIENDS OR LOVER

Argh, my eyes! My beautiful eyes!

virgo ponders:

what's felching.....:)

Well, if you must ask, according to UrbanDictionary.com's definition, it refers to either stuffing animals into the vagina or anus, or to a partner sucking semen out of one of these orifices or sucking seminal fluid from a woman/mans anus, along with fecal matter, after having previously ejaculated in said orifice - so, it's either cum and animals, or cum and shit - hmmm, I think I might open a restaurant!

limahs describes himself as:

a short and slim male of 30 shags thrice a week, hunger for sex please advice. likes slim females

Any offers, girls?

And finally, Sarah offers:

fuck me now!

OK then!

 

THEY JUST DON'T GET IT

Hi i've just started going out w/ this guy and he likes kinky sex! any ideas?

Well, yes.

hi,

I was wandering if you could help?

I am 23 and live in London and desperatly want to appear in porn movies and or pics. Do you know of anyone or organisation that I could contact?

I am willing to do anything - the cleaner the better - but because I am interested in getting involved I will do anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANY ADVICE - I am gagging to do it, so the quicker the better

Jamie

The porn industry is a hard, sore business. The first step on your journey should be to grow an improbable moustache. The next step is to get yourself noticed by a production company, such as Raging Queen Ventures Ltd., who you can contact by writing to E. Windsor, Buckingham Palace, London SW1, England. I suggest sending some nude photographs.

Dear Mark,

I don't have that much experience browsing the internet as such, and I'm only using one of these Psion handheld computors via a mobile, sad I know but it's still quite good anyway.

Anyway I need your help! I have a beautiful blonde felmale friend I have known for about 10 years, which we enjoy doing kinky things together. Problem is she wants me to take her to one of thes fetish clubs, where people dress up rude and kinky. I waswatching a programme on channel 4 on Friday night, but I've tried logging on their web site for further info and cannot find it.

We both live in the Bedfordshire area, and will travel if needs be.....CAN YOU IF US SOME GUIDANCE ?

Many Thanks

Del.

I suggest you phone my erstwhile colleagues at the UK Fetish Party Database, on 0800 858 858. To avoid overloading the service, when you phone, they pretend it's Ocean Finance. But don't worry - it's just a silly fetish game! See, a lot of us have a "thing" for large amounts of money as well as bondage! And if we can't tempt you with leather, we might be able to tempt you with our great interest rate and a lengthy repayment plan!

 

Back to main index

---

Copyright © 2005 OneBollock.com / Alex Warren