Diary

Monday

MARK
Another boring day. Bob came in in the morning to return some mislabelled videos. He was expecting Randy Karen's Dairy Farm Fun 3, but got Fat Steve's Arse Adventures 7. Turned out the whole batch was wrong, which makes me wonder why the other four customers haven't returned theirs - broad minds or shame? Gerald manned the shop while I went out with Mary for lunch. I can't stop thinking about her.

Ordered more Vaseline.

GERALD
Had the shop to myself while Mark went on a business lunch. Great excuse to lock up and have an extended wank break. Top of the pile at the back of the shop was a copy of Fat Steve's Arse Adventures 7, which turned out to be rather sticky.

Tuesday

MARK
Bloody kids. A load of them came into the shop today and tried to buy a video. OK, it was fairly softcore but I have to remain within the law at all times because those bloody coppers are everywhere. I wasn't taken in by their fake ID's - the school uniforms were a dead giveaway - so I gave them a stern talking to and they scarpered.

GERALD
Two 12-year-olds wandered into the shop today and tried to buy a copy of "Bludgeon My Shitty Cock II", which is definitely not the introduction to pornography I'd like to give my (very hypothetical) child. Mark is terrified of children. He ran around the shop screaming like a little girl. They got him into a corner and he tried to defend himself by clobbering them over the head with a 2ft dildo. They passed out with laughter, so I picked them up and gently left them on the street outside.

Wednesday

MARK
Finally received delivery of our latest product - Hide-Your-Shame^® DVD and video covers. The customer simply slips these wipe-clean covers over their filthy porn to make their collection look respectable. We've got fake covers for The Best of Dead Ringers, Iain Duncan-Smith's World of Turnips and Robot Wars. Their collection is totally safe because nobody in their right minds would want to watch any of them!

Thursday

SCOTT
Just an afternoon shift today. Mark and Gerald were in the basement for most of it - they told me they were doing a stock check, but when I went down there I found Gerald sellotaped to the table, covered in custard while Mark was wanking into a bucket of shit. Typical.

Friday

MARK
Pretty good day for sales. Tim came in and bought four copies of "Cocks and Robbers: Jail Bondage 3", one for each member of his family. Trev and Vicky came in and tried a few dildos for size. Every couple of months they come back and get one even bigger. I've been plotting the trend on a graph and it makes me feel sore just looking at it - by next month she'll be using whole tree trunks and by next summer probably the Eurostar. Mike put in an order for some obscure Swahilian nose fetish stuff. A bit of a pain, but he's been keeping me in business for years - I reckon he's bought around 1000 different videos from me. Lord knows where ke keeps them all in his small flat - and his wife apparently hasn't got a clue. Her face resembles asparagus.

GERALD
Spent the day testing out some new videos and magazines. Some very interesting stuff - Storage Susan is a rather graphic display of a lady who clearly has no need for an attic, the number of objects she's capable of inserting into herself. All very impressive - particularly the watermelon. Not very erotic though - I wondered what would happen if she forgot it was in there, and the prospect of her orifices stuffed with a load of rotting vegetables wasn't especially appealing.

SCOTT
I had invited Mark and Gerald to a meeting round the back where we could discuss strategising new objectives for the future direction of the business, but they were too busy selling things and doing product testing to attend to the truly important matters. So I had the meeting with myself, and thought about lots of ways of leveraging our product portfolio to maximise a return on investment and synergise our position in the marketplace. And then I had a wank. Well, nobody was watching.

Saturday

MARK
Went to The Cock & Balls for a couple of pints and then off clubbing to one of our favourite haunts, Phat Kuntz. Can't really remember what music was playing because I was pretty legless by the end of it all! Met up with my old mate Fellatio Phil. No idea what we got up to, but apparently we caused quite a scene!

GERALD
Went to The Cock & Balls for a pint or two and then off to the same fucking place we go every week, Phat Kuntz. Met somebody called Phil. He was a right twat. The bouncers chucked him and Mark out after they started bumming each other on the turntables. I mean that kind of behaviour is usually well tolerated, but they ruined an expensive set of decks and the DJ got shit in his eye.

Sunday

MARK
Aaah, lazy Sunday! I like to take it easy on a Sunday and get Gerald to make me a colossal lunch. As usual the chicken was delicious - he tells me it's the way he bastes it.

GERALD
Oooh, kinky Sunday! Mark likes me to cook him a massive Sunday lunch. Well, I certainly am the master of basting!

SCOTT
Argh, unproductive Sunday! Shop shut and all those potential profits down the pan. Gerald cooks a reasonably sized Sunday lunch, which always tastes and smells disgusting. I know why - I've seen him adding copious amounts of parsley to the Paxo. Ugh!

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