Dave Interprets Your Dreams

Jesus Christ! Dave here. You guys are all fucked. FUCKED! You send me your dreams. I tell you what it all means. Fuckers!

Hi Dave. I keep having this recurring dream involving a bicycle, treadmill, mackerel and a colonel. Every time I have it I have to change my bedsheets. What does this mean?
John, Hackney

The bicycle is, of course, the famous and easy-to-spot feature in the constellation of Toysrus, which can be seen from early summer to late spring every year in the northern hemisphere, and from early autumn to late summer in the south. The Druids looked upon it sometimes as a sign of prosperity, and sometimes as a sign of impending doom, depending on what sort of mood they were in, and whether their crops had failed or not. The Mackerel is, as you should know, the Tarot card most associated with gullibility, and when combined with the colonel from the game "Cluedo?", is often taken to mean that perhaps your life ultimately lacks some meaning. As for the treadmill, well, if I said something about that I'd have to just make it up, and that's not the way I work.

Dave, a shimmering circle of gherkins enshrines the concept of solitude, and then I see four and a half fairies galloping diagonally forwards with Ferrero Rocher. All the while, a cat plays a mandolin, a dog plays a tuba, and I'm reminded of the time in 1984 when I accidentally dropped a bag of peanuts into the River Thames. What's that all about?
Susan, Hammersmith

Well Susan, there's clearly something wrong here. The dog playing the mandolin, now that I could understand - it would just be a reflection of modern consumer values - but the cat? Clearly nonsensical. I almost suspect you made the entire thing up.

Hi Dave, when are you going to stop typing crap into that computer and start cooking up? I can barely wait any longer!
Mark, Camden

OK, coming.

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