And Alex Said: TV

By Alex Warren

You have to wonder about the quality of TV programmes these days. Looking at the channels on satellite or cable, it seems you can set up your own TV station for about fifty pence. With a few out-of-work actors, I gave it a go. Here’s what’s on today, peppered with adverts for Ocean Finance:

11.00am Teleshopping
Could you possibly live without a device for steam-cleaning your pet rodent? Do you dream that one day you'll own a telescopic whisky bottle holder? Do you yearn for something to take the stress out of opening packets of crisps? If the answer to any of these questions is "no", you must be completely mad - in which case, you'll definitely want to check out our Sensomatic - Guaranteed To Make You Sane Within 21 Days!® And if you're not completely satisfied, you probably just forgot why the hell you bought it in the first place - so we'll also send you, absolutely free, our Boost Your Memory Kit, consisting of notepad and pencil!

3.00pm Changing Tombs
Historical gameshow in which two contestants redesign the last resting places of the Pharaohs of Egypt in order to give them a more modern feel.

4.00pm DOC WON NUT
Letter-rearranging gameshow presented by RIDE WHIRLY CHEAT and CRAVE LARD, MORON.

4.30pm Little Silly Denzil
Surreal children's programme made in 1967. Supposedly the creators of this programme were high on drugs throughout making it, although today they deny all memory of ever working on the show. In this episode, Little Silly Denzil takes his dog Canine Abyss to see Dee l’Air about his problems growing the crop Cow Cane on his fields. But a large strawberry-flavoured platypus sprinkles a fine white powder over the little town of Pirtdica, making everybody really really hungry.

5.00pm Strange Hill
Drama set in a tough inner-city comprehensive school that deals with the issues relevant to most children today. In this episode, Chubby and Fat Wanker get caught by Mrs Dappy having anal sex in the playground, Kris has her head blown off by a rocket, and Pete gets kneecapped.

5.30pm You've Been Maimed!
Hilarious family video camera footage of all those home accidents! Quite why Shirley from Basildon was filming her husband using the chain saw to trim the hedge, we'll never know, but at least the family will always be able to remember what he used to look like, and the side-splitting consequences of that slippery dog poo!

6.00pm Holiday: You Say Where
Special version of the holiday programme where viewers tell presenters where to go. In this episode, Jamie Theakston visits a minefield in Afghanistan.

7.00pm The 1980s House
The series that transports a modern family back in time continues. In this episode, teenager Becky is fed up of listening to Bros, while Stuart gets to grips with a BBC Micro. Meanwhile, Mary is having trouble with her shoulder pads.

8.00pm Nigella Sucks
Cookery series featuring Nigella Lawson. In this episode Nigella makes a cheese sandwich.

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