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WEDNESDAY'S TV

7.00am	GET UP! The lively breakfast entertainment show.
9.00am	Teleshopping Could you possibly live without a device for steam-cleaning your pet rodent? Do you dream that one day you'll own a telescopic whisky bottle holder? Do you yearn for something to take the stress out of opening packets of crisps? If the answer to any of these questions is "no", you must be completely mad - in which case, you'll definitely want to check out our Sensomatic - Guaranteed To Make You Sane Within 21 Days!® And if you're not completely satisfied, you probably just forgot why the hell you bought it in the first place - so we'll also send you, absolutely free, our Boost Your Memory Kit, consisting of notepad and pencil!
12.00pm	The Ricki Springer Show New series in which an annoying fat American woman gets yelled at by other annoying fat American women and their husbands, which in 95% of episodes results in an on-air massacre enjoyed by people the world over. In this show: "My father ate the dog", "You stink of baboon's droppings" and "My teenage son ran riot through the streets of Seattle with a machete and a machine gun, killing forty people and maiming hundreds of others, but I still love him" are some of the topics discussed in a level-headed easy-going intelligent fashion.
1.30pm	Inexplicatron The idea behind Inexplicatron is simple - contestants compete for the chance to win up to £5000 by initially receiving £100 in the bank, which can be transferred at any time to increase the chance of receiving an A-Style question, which is the easiest except immediately after a C-Style question, which can be obtained by correctly guessing the amount of money rewarded after players have placed their yellow counter on top of the square chosen by their opponents. One, or more, or none of the players may be hiding an Uberstyle Dangler under their counters, but who is it? If the winner guesses correctly, he may go away with nothing.
2.00pm	Nigella Bites Jamie Oliver Nigella Lawson eats Jamie Oliver's head.
2.30pm	Cricket: The Seventh Test Test broadcast where we let the work experience boy control the footage from the mixing desk. This programme is guaranteed to be on when you were looking forward to watching something else.
4.00pm	WOT NUN COD Letter-rearranging gameshow presented by DITCH HER WEARILY and MAD RON, CAR LOVER.
5.00pm	Children's 23 Strange Hill Third of the week's episodes set in a school that deals with controversial, tough issues. In this episode, a student in year 8 is gang-raped by teachers in the staff room, and pupils in Mr. Henson's Chemistry lab make cocaine.
5.30pm	Clumsy Street Australian Soap set in a street full of cack-handed people. In this episode, Joey accidentally demolishes his house, and all of Sandra's clothes fall off.
6.00pm	You've Been Maimed! Hilarious family video camera footage of all those home accidents! Quite why Shirley from Basildon was filming her husband using the chain saw to trim the hedge, we'll never know, but at least the family will always be able to remember what he used to look like, and the side-splitting consequences of that slippery dog poo!
7.00pm	Nude News The regular naked update, including Weird Weather at 7.25pm. Click here to visit the Nude News page
7.30pm	BeastEnders
8.00pm	The Weakest Millionaire Celebrity Garden Cooking Makeover Challenge Fly-on-the-wall documentary following Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen, Carol Smilie, Fern Britten, Alan Titchmarsh, The Gay One From Ready Steady Cook, Dale Winton and Maureen from Driving School as they compete in a head-to-head challenge to see who can plant some daffodils in a wok in the garden and then change it to look different the quickest, in an attempt to win a million pounds. Every five minutes, one of the celebrities is voted off by our viewers.
8.30pm	I Love The Weakest Millionaire Celebrity Garden Cooking Makeover Challenge Stuart Maconie and Will Self take an ironic look back at the previous programme. After watching the previous two programmes, you may as well switch off your television set forever.
9.00pm	The Big 9pm Movie I Have Never Eaten A Goldfish Tonight's big expensive blockbuster movie was a hit in Moscow when it was first released in September 1957. It follows the trials and tribulations of a man, who has never eaten a goldfish, on a trip to see his mother-in-law on a dreary Wednesday morning, before buying half a pound of sausages at the butcher's. [In Russian with English subtitles. Black and white. Picture quality somewhat degraded. Half of the film missing.] Rated 3/5 by Batty Norman, our resident film-reviewer. "Watch this film if there's nothing better on the other side"
11.30pm	America's Dumbest Television Output This documentary follows the really dumb actions of several stupid Americans who make documentaries for a living, such as "America's Dumbest Criminals", "America's Dumbest Presidents" and "America's Dumbest Armies".
12.00am	Points Of Hugh Anthea Turner presents the viewer's comments show, where the UK's most boring people (all of whom are called Hugh Smith from Maidenhead) can slag off the slightly inaccurate documentary they saw last night on Channel 23 and the way they have the piss taken out of them when their letters are read on-air.
12.30am	Close

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