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TUESDAY'S TV

7.00am	GET UP! The lively breakfast entertainment show.
9.00am	Adding Adder Educational children's programme featuring a snake who can add up.
9.30am	Subtracting Subtitle Educational children's programme featuring a TV caption who can take away.
10.00am	Multiplying Multinational Educational children's programme featuring a global company which keeps getting bigger.
10.30am	Dividing Diveboard Horror story about a sharp plank of wood by a swimming pool which removes the limbs of swimmers.
11.00am	Can't Cook, Can't Be Arsed A look at the success of McDonald's despite its selling of raw sewage in stale buns.
12.00pm	The Huge Lunchbox Mel Haemorrhoid and Sue Porkings present the sassy lunchtime chatshow with a "Blind Date" element.
1.00pm	Tennis The latest action live from the Grimsby Under 10's Tournament.
4.00pm	DO OWN CUNT Letter-rearranging gameshow presented by HAIRILY WRETCHED and DEMON CORR LARVA.
4.30pm	Fifteen to One Fifteen people vs. William G. Stewart in bare-knuckle fighting.
5.00pm	Children's 23 Strange Hill Second of the week's episodes set in a school that deals with controversial, tough issues. In this episode, Pete and Dave's terrorist organisation attracts some new suicide bombers from year 7, and meanwhile the headmaster is accidentally decapitated by a volume of Encyclopaedia Britannica launched by the new English teacher at a pupil wielding a semi-automatic rifle.
5.30pm	Clumsy Street Australian Soap set in a street full of cack-handed people. In this episode, Callum sets fire to himself, and Piefish loses his fingers in a paper shredder.
6.00pm	Showbiz! A look at the latest in entertainment. Including the daily look at all twelve of the award ceremonies taking place this evening.
7.00pm	Nude News The regular naked update, including Weird Weather at 7.25pm. Click here to visit the Nude News page
7.30pm	BeastEnders
8.00pm	Fiends The One Where They Destroy The USA Click here to view the episode!
8.30pm	Bed A fly-on-the-wall documentary about a day in the life of a bed in a bed shop. The day starts promisingly, as no small children are sick on it during the morning, but come afternoon there's a big sweaty man who wants this particular type. And there are none left in stock. Would he like the display model, or will he come back tomorrow? Edge-of-seat action.
9.00pm	Watershed 9pm is the watershed, which means after this time, broadcasters can show rude things because in theory the kids aren't watching. Channel 23 takes advantage of this for one night only, with an erotic film about some water in a shed... in a naturist camp. Cock-in-hand action.
10.30pm	Video Dairy Bob, a milkman from Newcastle explains that the last "erotic film" broadcast on Channel 23 was crap, as he only saw one breast throughout the whole thing, and he still has a full box of tissues. He then explains how he has to get up early in the morning to deliver milk and that his "evening of titillation with Channel 23" has been quite literally a total let-down.
11.00pm	Video Dreary Carol, a bored single mum from Edinburgh, explains the precise principles behind the cooking of the perfect oven chips and moves on to consider the artistic merits of minimalist flower arranging.
11.30pm	Neil Hamilton Shags a Goat Disgraced MP Neil Hamilton is always game for a laugh. In this exclusive five minute fuckumentary we see him shagging a goat just to show what a cool, normal, happy-go-lucky crayzee kinda guy he is. Is there nothing he won't do?
11.35pm	Neil Hamilton Tells Margaret Thatcher She's The Best Prime Minister This Country's Ever Seen Our previous question, shockingly, remains unanswered.
11.40pm	Jordan Gets Her Tits Out (repeat) (previously broadcast on BBC1, BBC2, ITV, Channel 4, Channel 5)
11.50pm	Highlights No, nothing exciting. This is a fly-on-the-wall documentary about a woman who goes to the hairdressers to get some highlights.
12.20am	Lowlights All the most boring bits from Bed, the half-hour fly-on-the-wall-documentary shown earlier. Actually this is only fifteen minutes long but it's shown twice to fill up the allocated half-hour timeslot, which is coincidentally the same length as Bed, the half-hour fly-on-the-wall documentary, shown earlier this evening.
12.50am	Test Card Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
1.00am	Close

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