BeastEnders

Episode 4

Written by Alex Warren

Scene 1

Tiffany and Bepe pull up in a car outside the Queen Vic pub. Tiffany steps out and walks in. Eggy stands behind the bar.

Eggy: ‘Ello darlin’ – watchou doin’ ‘ere?

Tiffany: I live here.

Eggy: Really?!

Tiffany: Yeah. I’m Grant’s wife, if you remember.

Eggy: Oh yeah – so that was you then, was it, Tiffany? I always wondered who that cow he married was – now I remember!

Tiffany goes round the back and up the stairs to the flat. Her baby daughter Spankme is in her cot.

Tiffany: ‘Ello, Spankme.

Spankme: Out of interest, oh mother, why did you call me “Spankme”?

Tiffany: Er… it was your father’s idea. He had this perverse vision that whenever he called you, any passing female would instantly come over to fulfil his sexual desires.

Spankme: What’s a sec-shul-des-ur?

Tiffany: Never mind. Anyway, babies can’t talk, so shut up.

Tiffany picks up her up and takes her back downstairs and out of the Vic.

Eggy: Oi! Where you goin’ with that baby?

Tiffany: She’s my daughter.

Eggy: No she isn’t – she’s my son’s daughter!

Tiffany: And I’m your son’s wife, which makes me…

Eggy: Gullible?

Tiffany: Try again.

Eggy: Oh… oh yeah… that would, er, make you this baby’s father?

Tiffany: Mother.

Eggy: I’m not your mother, girl. Now give that baby here.

Tiffany: No.

Eggy: Alright then, if you insist.

Tiffany walks outside and up to the car, where Bepe is waiting.

Tiffany: Won’t be a moment, just got to go say goodbye to Biancaaar.

Bepe: Where is she?

Tiffany: Dunno.

A loud wail of “Oh Riiiiiiicky!!” is heard and the ground shakes.

Tiffany: I think she’s that way.

Scene 2

Grant Hityell stands in court, awaiting bail.

Judge: Grant, I grant you bail. Ho ho ho.

Grant: That was a terrible joke.

Judge: I know. Now piss off.

Grant: But how can you give me bail, knowing what a nasty malicious thug I am? I shut my wife in a freezer, for fuck’s sake. For three weeks. It all got rather tedious.

Scene 3

Flashback. A family sits around a TV screen showing Tiffany inside a freezer.

Father: This is crap.

Boy: Nothing’s happened all episode. We’ve just got this shot of some woman in a freezer.

Girl: I’m bored. I wish she would hurry up and die. They’re dragging this out a bit, aren’t they?

Mother: Yes. Hurry up and die, you cow!

Fridge: Actually, I think it’s all rather interesting.

Father: Oi! Get back in the kitchen!

End of flashback

Scene 4

The courtroom

Judge: Well, actually, it did get rather boring, though my toaster enjoyed it immensely. They should get a move on and kill her off.

Grant: Exactly.

Judge: OK then, you don’t get any bail.

Grant: What? But it was an accident. She fell into the freezer. Anyway, you said I could have bail earlier.

Judge: Did I? Oh alright then – bugger off, I’m getting bored.

Grant: Cheers, ma’am.

Judge: What do you mean ma'am! This is just a silly wig that I have to wear, you know.

Scene 5

Frank is driving a bus. He has a bottle of whisky in one hand.

Frank: Ah, nearly home. Home, sweet home. I hope I don’t kill anybody, like Tiffany. That would be a rather unfortunate accident. To kill her off now would just be… insane. Absolutely mad. Far too surreal for this kind of serious soap opera. Wouldn’t you agree, Mr. I-Have-Two-Heads-Shaped-Like-Cabbages?

Mr. I-Have-Two-Heads-Shaped-Like-Cabbages: Indeed.

Scene 6

Tiffany is at Bianca’s house.

Tiffany: So, you see, I’ve got to leave Herbert Square before Grant gets back. He’s shut me in a freezer once – who knows what he’s going to do next? I might be locked in the cellar for a year or summink. So, I’ve got to go. I’m leaving with Spankme. Just don’t tell anyone.

Biancaaar: [yelling loudly] WHAT? YOU’RE LEAVING HERBERT SQUARE WITH SPANKME TO GET AWAY FROM GRANT?

Cut to: The ground rumbling outside. The word “GRANT” echoes loudly and lingers for a few seconds. Cut to Grant, driving his car, looking a tad confused.

Tiffany: That’s right. Now, don’t let anybody find out.

Biancaaar: [yelling again] DON’T WORRY TIFF, I WON’T TELL A SOUL THAT YOU’RE LEAVING HERBERT SQUARE WITH SPANKME TO GET AWAY FROM GRANT.

Tiffany: Er… Good.

Scene 7

Grant, in his car.

Grant: I wonder what that was all about.

Scene 8

Tiffany walks through Herbert Square.

Pauline: Tiffany! I heard you were leaving Herbert Square, with Spankme, to get away from Grant.

Tiffany: How did you find out?

Eggy: Yes, I also heard that you were leaving Herbert Square, with Spankme, to get away from Grant. Is this true?

Tiffany: Leave me alone.

Arthur: Is it a fact that you’re leaving us in Herbert Square, with your daughter Spankme, to get away from Grant?

Tiffany: What are you doing here? You died several years ago.

Pauline: Honestly. Every single bloody episode.

God: Arthur! What are you doing down there?

Arthur: I don’t know what you’re talking about, oh Lord.

Grant arrives in his car and gets out to confront Tiffany.

Grant: What are you doing? I heard you were leaving Herbert Square with Spankme to get away from some “Grant” character?

Tiffany: Yes. I’m taking Spankme – and you’ll never see her again.

Grant: You can’t do this to me!

Tiffany: Oh yes I can!

Grant: Oh no you can’t!

Everyone: Ooooh yes she can!

Grant: Oh no she can’t!

Everyone: Ooooh yes she can!

Tiffany: This is getting ridiculous!

Grant: Well, it is panto season.

We hear a bus approaching.

Eggy: Look out for Frank!

Tiffany: Where?

Eggy: He’s behind you!

Tiffany: Where?

Everyone: Heeee’s behiiind yooou!

Tiffany: Ooooh no he isn’t!

Everyone: Ooooh yes he is!

Cut to: a Furbie lying in the road.

Frank: Oh my god! A Furbie! That must be worth thousands – nobody can get hold of them!

He swerves to miss it and crashes straight into the Queen Vic pub.

Frank: Thank god! The Furbie is saved! And I didn’t kill Tiffany! Hooray!

Pauline: Well, you should have – we all know she’s going to die. They’ve been dragging this plotline out for ages.

Cut to: the father from the flashback scene

Father: Yes! They’ve been dragging this fucking plotline out fuckin’ ages.

Frank: Well, never mind. At least nobody was killed.

Punter 1: You killed me.

Punter 2: And me.

Punter 3: Me too.

Frank: Oh well, never mind – at least Tiffany’s OK.

Arthur: Yes. Thank the Lord!

God: Don’t thank me, matey boy. You’re coming right back up here this minute!

God throws a bolt of lightning down at Arthur. It misses and hits Tiffany. She explodes.

God: Oh, bollocks.

Pauline: Hooray! She’s dead!

Frank: Well, at least the valuable Furbie made it.

Pauline: Christmas is gone, Frank – nobody wants Furbies any more.

A sheep eats the Furbie.

Frank: Oh well.

Hundreds of people pour out into Herbert Square and hold a massive street party. They chant “HOORAY! TIFFANY’S FINALLY DEAD!”

Arthur: Ha ha, God – you can’t catch me! You can’t catch me!

Arthur runs around madly like a deranged hamster. God throws down another bolt of lightning. It hits the bus, which explodes and blows up all of Herbert Square.

The whole square is on fire. Nobody appears to be alive. But out from the rubble a figure emerges. It is Arthur.

God: You little bastard, Arthur!

TO BE CONTINUED…

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HERBERT SQUARE? WHY IS ARTHUR SO CLEARLY IMMORTAL? WHY WAS FRANK DRIVING A BLOODY GREAT BUS ANYWAY? WILL WE EVER SEE MR. I-HAVE-TWO-HEADS-SHAPED-LIKE-CABBAGES AGAIN? AND HAS PAULINE’S FABULOUS CARDIGAN COLLECTION SURVIVED THE BLAST? ALL THESE QUESTIONS WILL PROBABLY NOT BE ANSWERED IN THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF… BEASTENDERS!

A production of OneBollock.com
Copyright © 2005 OneBollock.com / Alex Warren