BeastEnders

Episode 3

Written by Alex Warren

Scene 1

Down the market, Mark is standing in front of his fruit and veg stall, waiting for customers. Piemon is at his clothes stall, also waiting for customers.

Mark: So, Piemon, how did the holiday in Hull go?

Piemon: It was rubbish. We were told in the brochure that Hull was “an amazing tropical holiday experience, with loads of things to do – whether you want to relax on the beach in the blazing heat, or experience the night life, Hull is the greatest experience in the north-east of Britain.” But when we got there, it was – well, it was just Hull. So we went home.

Mark: Oh well, never mind. You could’ve done worse – you could have… er, you could have… well, you could have spent the night there for a start.

Piemon: Well, interesting though this conversation is, we don’t want to offend the people of Hull, do we?

Mark: Certainly not. So, how’s business?

Piemon: The same as usual. We haven’t had a customer for four years now.

Mark: Neither have I. In fact, I haven’t needed to change the stock since 1993. Fancy an apple?

Piemon: Er, no thanks. I can see the maggots and cockroaches are enjoying it – I wouldn’t want to deprive them.

Mark: Well, suit yourself. Nice selection of flares you’ve got there.

There is a strange wizzing sound, that’s getting louder and louder.

Mark: What’s that noise?

A public toilet suddenly lands on top of Piemon.

Mark: My god! All those shell suits, gone to waste!

The residents of Herbert Square are coming up to see the new attraction.

Pauline: What’s all this?

Eggy: Who put that there?

Ian: Why wasn’t this discussed at the Resident’s Meeting?

Grant: Is this the men’s, or the ladies’?

Madge from Neighbours: What am I doing here?

CowPat: I need a crap. I’m going inside.

CowPat walks up the entrance.

CowPat: What, 20p to enter? Is that for the in-relief entertainment or something?

Mark: Here ya go, CowPat – the entire takings from my stall ever since I opened it.

CowPat: Cheers, Mark – anybody got another 18p?

The have a quick whip-round, and CowPat takes money off everybody.

CowPat: Ok, so that’s 2p… 5p… 1p… ooo, 10p… a French Franc, some Italian Lira, a hamster, and… aha, another 2p.

CowPat sticks the money into a slot. She suddenly disappears.

Scene 2

CowPat is in a huge room. There is a strange man operating some machines.

Strange man: Welcome, CowPat.

CowPat: Hello. Where’s the bog?

Strange man: This isn’t really a public convenience, CowPat. My name is Doctor Who.

CowPat: Fitzgerald?

Dr. Who: I could see that joke coming. Welcome – to the TURDIS!

CowPat: Why is it called that?

Dr. Who: Well, it’s a bit of a shithole really.

CowPat: So where is the toilet then?

Dr. Who: I told you, there isn’t one. This is in fact a time-travel machine. Come, CowPat – to the year 3329!

There is a strange sound…

Dr. Who: Here we are.

A curtain opens to reveal a large window. Outside, rabbits roam over huge green fields, followed by four huge colourful teddybears.

Green bear: Eh-oh!

CowPat: Oh my god! Teletubbies!

Dr. Who: You’re right. In 3329, the world is ruled by these four surreal beings with televisions in their stomachs. Watch!

Tinky Winky: Looook! New handbag!

Dipsy: Aaaaaaaah.

Laa-laa: Me think Tinky Winky gaylord.

Tinky Winky: Bastard! Tinky Winky not gay, just big fan of Dale Winton.

Po: Haha, Tinky Winky fan of Dale Winton. Hee hee.

Tinky Winky: At least Tinky Winky not wank in public.

Po: What! I not wank in public, just get sticky tubby toast stuck down underpants.

Laa-laa: Haha, Po also have relay shunship with noo-noo vacuum cleaner!

Tinky Winky: Yeah, Po clean underpants with noo-noo! Ugh!

Po: You all gay.

Tinky Winky hits Po with his handbag. Po grabs the handbag and runs off with it, singing “Gaylord! Gaylord!”.

Dr. Who: You see the standard of children’s TV these days? Terrible, isn’t it?

Scene 3

Back in Herbert Square, the residents are standing around waiting for the return of CowPat.

Pauline: She’s been in there half an hour now!

Pauline hammers on the side of the “toilet”.

Pauline: CowPat! I’ve got some old laxative pills of Arthur’s if you want them??

Arthur: What! Those are mine!

Pauline: Arthur, I’ve told you before – you died a couple of years ago!

Arthur: Oh yeah, I remember.

Arthur is quickly swallowed up by the ground.

Pauline: Come on CowPat! You can do it! Push! PUSH!

There is a loud rumbling sound.

Pauline: Well done, CowPat!

The rumbling sound continues. It gets louder and louder. Suddenly a tank comes into view – the source of the rumbling. The tank stops a few yards away from the residents, and opens up. Kate Moss sticks her head out.

Kate Moss: I declare war on split ends!

Pauline: You WHAT?

Kate Moss: Split ends. They will all be destroyed.

Kate Moss laughs loudly.

Eggy: I’m afraid it won’t work, Miss Moss.

Kate Moss: Oh yes it will.

Kate reaches out and examines Eggy’s hair.

Kate Moss: What’s this! A split end! DIE!

Kate reaches down in her tank, and fires a missile. The Turdis blows up.

Kate Moss: Bugger – missed!

Scene 4

Inside the Turdis, there is a huge hole, with daylight streaming in from outside. Most of the machinery is on fire. The Teletubbies jump out and run to the phone box in Herbert Square.

CowPat: What – we weren’t in 3329 at all! Why did you lie about it?

Dr. Who: Always pulls the birds.

Scene 5

Several police cars arrive at the Turdis. The police jump inside, and bring out Dr. Who with a pair of handcuffs.

Policeman: So, Dot Cotton's notorious criminal son Nick, pretending to be Dr. Who, and kidnapping Teletubbies, eh?

Nick: Oh yeah, that'd be me.

Policeman: Why did you do it?

Nick: I was experimenting with my intellecutal side.

Policeman: Right. And how did you manage to do the whole Turdis bigger-on-the-outside-than-on-the-inside thing, eh?

Nick: Er… I don’t know.

He is bundled into the back of a police car. They speed off.

CowPat: And I STILL haven’t had a crap yet! I’m going to use my OWN toilet in future.

Kate Moss: Hold it right there, woman! I need to check for split ends!

Pauline: Er, hold on Kate – what’s this here in YOUR hair? Is this a split end?

Kate Moss: Impossible.

Pauline pulls at Kate Moss’s split end. Her wig comes off, to reveal – Grant Hityell.

Eggy: Grant!

Grant: Er, hi mum.

Eggy: Why did you dress up as Kate Moss?

Grant: Um… it was an accident. You know, I couldn’t find my trousers, some of Tiffany’s clothes were lying around, so I stuck on a wig so I didn’t look silly, and then I accidentally stole a tank – you know, it was just one of those things.

Eggy: Well, you can just come home right now, Grant. And don’t let me ever catch you wearing women’s clothes again!

Grant: Yes, mummy…

TO BE CONTINUED…

WHAT WILL BECOME OF GRANT HITYELL? IS HE REALLY JUST A BIG TRANSEXUAL WIMP? WILL PIEMON EVER RECOVER FROM THAT SQUISHING? MORE IMPORTANTLY, WILL THE TANK TOPS? FIND OUT... IN THE NEXT AMAZING INSTALLMENT OF BEASTENDERS!

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Copyright © 2005 OneBollock.com / Alex Warren