BeastEnders

Episode 2

Written by Alex Warren

Scene 1

The pub. Grant HitYell and his mother Eggy are behind the bar, preparing to open up.

Grant: You know, after the excitement of the last episode, I wet myself.

Eggy: Really? Why?

Grant: Because it was so scary – I mean, a giant fish swallowing Ian Beale! Terrifying.

Eggy: I bet it was. Anyway, didn’t you say you had to go out?

Grant: Yeah. I’ll be off to the Dungeons and Dragons club in a minute. I’m gonna win, ‘cos I’m so ‘ard.

Eggy: Well, you be careful now.

Grant: I will, mummy.

Eggy: Now don’t forget Pauline Growler’s barbecue this afternoon, she’s trying to save the allotments from having the sex shop being built on ‘em, you know, and so thought that having a big protest barbecue would attract attention and stop it for sure. Good old Pauline saving the day again.

Grant: Well, I’m all for the sex shop myself. Nothing like a good wank while wearing a leather studded bikini, I say. Or an air hostess’ uniform with some lovely frilly bits round the edge… I won’t be supporting her.

Eggy: OK, dear.

Grant: Bye bye!

Scene 2

At the Growler household, Pauline is preparing some cardigans for the afternoon’s barbecue. Fartin, her teenage son, is sitting in an armchair, looking fed up.

Pauline: Right, so that’s 43 old cardigans from the wardrobe that I can stick on the barbie, should go down nicely.

Fartin: Bloody hell.

Pauline: What’s the matter with you? It’s your birthday today, aren’t you pleased with your presents?

Fartin: Er… no. Not really.

Pauline: Well, didn’t you like the cardigan selection I bought you?

Fartin: No.

Pauline: I thought you’d love them! Not even the one with the nice turquoise stripes down it? They’re all the rage these days, you know. Well, you’d better cheer up – it’s your party this afternoon. If I don’t see a smile on your face soon, I won’t be making any jelly and ice cream!

Fartin: Fuck off.

Pauline: Oh well, sod you then. You can take care of the party arrangements yourself. I’m going to phone up and cancel that clown I booked for you.

Scene 3

In Herbert square, Piemon – an obscure, lardy individual, Fairy – the girl Pauline rescued from hungry Irish peasants, Stony – ex-homosexual drug-dealer who’s still pretty out of it, and three total strangers, are loading up a VW with some holiday gear.

Stony: Oi, Piemon!

Piemon: Shut up – I’m busy eating this quiche.

Stony: It’s important!

Piemon: What?

Stony: Well, when it said in the script that we’re loading up a VW with holiday gear, I thought it meant one of those old VW camper van things – not this microscopic VW Beetle.

Piemon: What’s wrong with it? There’s plenty of room.

Stony: There are four seats!

Piemon: Yeah.

Stony: And there are six of us going – me, you, that bird Fairy who we hardly know who works down the pub, and these three total strangers who we kidnapped for the company.

Piemon: Well, some people can sit on our laps.

Stranger1: Yeah, we don’t mind.

Stranger2: Certainly not.

Piemon: Anyway, you’d enjoy that, wouldn’t you, Stony – I know you have a particular desire for men.

Stony: I’m not gay any more, Piemon!

Fairy: That’s right. Because you butter your bread on both sides, don’t you, Stony?

Stony: Shut up!

Piemon: Yeah. He’s batting for both sides, the big poof.

Stony: Well, that does it. I’m not your friend any more.

Scene 4

Meanwhile, the barbecue is getting underway at the allotments. Pauline stands alone, cooking cardigans.

Pauline: (shouting) Er, is anybody going to turn up for this event?

Silence.

Pauline: Well, bloody sod you all then. I’ll eat these free cardigans myself.

Stranger1: Did somebody say free cardigans?

Stranger2: Free cardigans?!

Stranger3: Ugh!

Stranger2: Mmm, cardigans. Gimme gimme!

Stranger1: Lovely.

Stranger3: Er, Stony’s waiting. Have you forgotten about the holiday?? We can’t stop for cardigans now!

Stranger2: Sod the holiday, man – I want cardigans!

Stranger1: I didn’t want to go on holiday to Hull anyway. I want to go to Barbados with this lovely lady here, and we can cook cardigans all night long on the beach.

Pauline: Yeah!

Stranger3: Well, bye then.

Stranger3 runs away to the hills, then runs back again and gets in the VW Beetle with the others. Arthur suddenly appears from behind a bush and comes up to Pauline.

Arthur: What’s this? A total stranger, going on holiday with my Pauline? This is disgraceful!

Pauline: Arthur, I told you last episode, you’re supposed to be dead!

Arthur: What?… Oh. Oh yeah.

He falls into the barbecue and spontaneously combusts.

Stranger2: Oh, how nice. Are those cardigans ready?

Pauline: Yup. Cardigan is served.

Pauline gives a burnt cardigan to Stranger1 and Stranger2. They begin eating.

Stranger1: Mmm! This is lovely! You can really taste the nylon threads, can’t you?

Stranger2: Yeah, it’s delicious. There’s a hint of ketchup in it, isn’t there – almost like it hasn’t been washed properly. Absolutely marvellous.

Stranger1: You’re absolutely right. It reminds me of…

Stranger1 coughs loudly. His head explodes.

Stranger2: Ugh, Stranger1, that’s gross! Can’t you see I’m still eating?

Stranger2 coughs loudly, and now his head explodes.

Pauline: Damn. Nobody after seconds, then?

A food safety inspector arrives.

Food safety inspector: Hello.

Pauline: Who are you? What do you want?

Food safety inspector: I’m a food safety inspector. Didn’t you read the script?

Pauline: No.

Food safety inspector: Well, anyway, I’ve been sent round here to check this allotment for… “food safety”. You know, I’ll looking around checking that there's no sharp glass a poor Big Mac could injure itself on, that kind of thing.

Pauline: OK. Would you like some cardigan?

Food safety inspector: Ooh, lovely – thanks.

The food safety inspector eats the cardigan, and his head explodes.

Pauline: That’s funny. Maybe the cardigans are a little under-done.

Scene 5

At the Growler household, Fartin’s party is getting underway. Fartin brings in a can of shandy.

Fartin: Alright lads, the drink is here! Woohoo!

Fartin opens the can and has one sip.

Fartin: Ugh. You have some, Anonymous Friend 1.

Anonymous Friend 1 takes a sip. He passes it onto Anonymous Friend 2, and Slightly-Suspicious-Looking Friend 3, who each have a sip.

Slightly-Suspicious-Looking Friend 3: My god! That’s… great stuff. Wouldn’t you say, Anonymous Friend 2?

Anonymous Friend 2 has passed out.

Slightly-Suspicious-Looking Friend 3: (to Anonymous Friend 1) You’re my best mate, darling.

Anonymous Friend 1: I love you.

Fartin: Er, stop it lads. This soap already has two token gay characters, and one bloke who we’re not sure about – so just stop it, OK?

Slightly-Suspicious-Looking Friend 3: You look gorgeous, dear.

Fartin: Listen, this soap isn’t called “EastBenders”. So can you stop it, OK??

Anonymous Friend 1: You’re right. Let’s do something else. I know, let’s go on the rampage, duckies!

Fartin and his mates jump out of their seats and jump through the living-room window.

Fartin: I’m sure it would’ve been easier to have gone through the door – or at least have opened the window first.

Anonymous Friend 2: That’s right!

Fartin: Er, weren’t you unconscious?

Anonymous Friend 2: Oh yeah.

He passes out again.

Fartin: Come on, let’s go and kill somebody!

Anonymous Friend 3: Yeah!

Granny DeBarko is crossing Herbert Square, with some garlic bread under her arm.

Fartin: She’ll do! Let’s capture her and torture her!

Slightly-Suspicious-Looking Friend 3: Great idea, honey!

They grab hold of Granny DeBarko

Granny DeBarko: Get off me, you bastards!

She hits Fartin with the garlic bread. It splits.

Granny DeBarko: Oh, bollocks.

Fartin and his friends drag her off.

Scene 6

Back at the Growler household, Fartin and his mates have tied Granny Debarko to a chair using liquorice laces.

Fartin: OK, lads, what can we torture her with?

Slightly-Suspicious-Looking Friend 3: Look! A bag of cheesy footballs!

Fartin: Oh great! That ought to take her to the limits of death and to the extreme boundaries of pain itself!

They open the bag and force-feed Granny DeBarko the entire packet.

Granny DeBarko: Oh my god! Nooooo…

Scene 7

Back at the pub, Eggy is behind the bar serving drinks. Grant enters, in a wheelchair, covered in bandages.

Eggy: Grant! Darling! What happened!

Grant: Let’s just say, Dungeons and Dragons is a lot harder than I remembered it being.

Scene 8

At the allotments, Pauline is struggling to put three huge heavy black bags into a container marked “Garden Waste Only”. Fartin runs up to her.

Fartin: Mum! Mum! Come quick!

Pauline: What is it?

Fartin: It’s Granny DeBarko… she just… er, fell over!

Pauline: Eh? She didn’t have any of my cardigans…

TO BE CONTINUED…

WILL GRANNY DEBARKO SURVIVE HER HORRIFYING CHEESY FOOTBALL EXPERIENCE? WHAT WILL BECOME OF PIEMON’S EXCITING HOLIDAY TO HULL, THE CITY OF PIES? WILL IT ALL END IN DISASTER? AND WILL GRANT EVER PLAY ANOTHER GAME OF DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS? NONE OF THIS, AND LESS, WILL BE REVEALED IN THE NEXT EXCITING, EDGE-OF-SEAT, ACTION EPISODE OF BEASTENDERS! THAT WILL BE GOOD, WON’T IT, DUCKIES?

A production of OneBollock.com
Copyright © 2005 OneBollock.com / Alex Warren