BeastEnders

Episode 1

Written by Alex Warren

Scene 1

Inside the Queen Vic, Grant HitYell and Tiffany are serving drinks. Pauline Growler and her nephew Ian are sitting at the bar discussing something with a tuna sandwich.

Pauline: So, Ian, did anybody raise any objections to my planned cardigan shop at the last Residents’ Meeting?

Ian: Well, not as such.

Pauline: What do you mean?

Ian: Well, nobody particularly cares.

Pauline: What!

Ian: Well, nobody round here particularly wants to buy cardigans, you see.

Tuna sandwich: I do.

Ian: Who asked you?

Tuna sandwich: Nobody. I was just disagreeing with your statement.

Ian: Well, I don’t want you to disagree with me, because I'm better than you.

Tuna sandwich: I suppose you want to fight about that, do you?

Ian: Come on then! I ain’t afraid of a tuna sandwich! Here, fishy fishy!

The tuna sandwich leaps up and splatters into Ian’s face, covering Ian and his clothing in tuna.

Ian: You bastard! I only washed these trousers this morning!

Grant: Shut it, or you’ll be out of here, alright?

Pauline: Don’t talk to my nephew like that!

Grant: Oh yeah, well I suppose you want to fight about that too, do ya? Hey? HEY?

Tiffany: Stop it Grant, she ain’t worth it!

Just as Grant goes to punch Pauline, Phil materialises from the bar and restrains him.

Grant: How did you do that?

Phil: I dunno. I always seem to get in the way just as you’re about to punch someone… bloody scriptwriters.

Alex Warren (V.O.): Oi!

Phil slaps himself.

Phil: Woops, better not diss the scriptwriters in future.

Pauline: Come on Ian, let’s go – this is getting silly.

Scene 2

At the Growler household, Ian stands in his y-fronts as Pauline washes his clothes.

Pauline: Shouldn’t take too long now, then you can go back to your important business… at the chip shop.

Ian: It’s a very important job, actually.

Pauline: I bet it is.

Ian: Don’t take that sarcastic tone with me, old woman!

Pauline: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Arthur enters.

Arthur: My god! What’s this? Pauline… and Ian in his undies – this is disgusting. I never thought you’d be reduced to having an affair with our nephew, Pauline.

Pauline: But Arthur – we’re not having an affair, we were arguing about Ian, and his vital job as a… as a… as a marine life and potato slither merchant.

Arthur: Oh, OK then.

Pauline: Anyway Arthur – I thought you were dead!

Arthur: Oh yeah.

He keels over and dies.

Scene 3

At the DeBarko Italian restaurant, Thicky and Biyancaaar are eating fish and chips with CowPat, who as usual is wearing absurd earrings – she’s currently wearing motorised yo-yos in each ear, which continually go up… and down… up… and down…

CowPat: Er… why are you two eating fish and chips in an Italian restaurant?

Thicky: Er… I dunno. It’s Italian food, innit?

CowPat: I think you’ll find it isn’t…

Biyancaaar: (shouting really loudly) Oh, Thicky!

The windows shatter.

Thicky: Now look what you done, Biyancaaar.

CowPat’s earrings start making funny noises and start moving up and down faster and faster.

CowPat: Oh god, it’s happening again!

The earring on CowPat’s left ear flies upwards, bouncing off a light fitting into another customer’s mouth. He tries desperately to get it out, but can’t, as it's so big.

CowPat: Woops!

The earring on Pat’s right ear now does the same – it flies off, hits the ceiling and falls down onto Thicky’s head. He falls unconscious off his chair.

CowPat: Oh dear!

The unfortunate person who received Pat’s first earring is running around the restaurant, trying to pull the earring out. He comes near CowPat’s table and trips over Thicky, falling stomach-first into a sharp shard of glass in the window. As he falls he knocks over the coat-stand which shatters on top of Thicky.

Scene 4

Thicky and the other victim are being loaded onto an ambulance outside DeBarko’s.

Biyancaaar: (shouting very loudly again) You should watch those earrings of yours, CowPat!

The windows of every single house and car in the square shatter. Vans marked “SuperKwik Glazing” arrive with flashing blue lights in seconds and men jump out and immediately start replacing the windows by simply lifting out the old windows and placing in new ones.

CowPat: Nice one, Biyancaaar…

The men finish replacing the windows and speed off.

Biyancaaar: (shouting, of course) Blimey, they replaced those windows quick dinnay?

All the windows shatter again. The vans come back and the men start replacing the windows for a second time.

CowPat: They’re only props. Actually all these houses are made of cardboard and only consist of a front wall. It’s to save costs, you see, I mean the BBC could’ve gone and bought a real Victorian square in London but it would’ve cost too much – I mean, people would’ve complained that they’d wasted licence payers’ money on a crappy soap – so they had to make do with this tacky set somewhere in Hertfordshire. So there.

The men finish replacing the windows and drive off again.

Biyancaaar: My god! I wondered why our ‘ouse was so cold!

All the windows shatter.

Scene 5

At the Queen Vic, Grant and Tiffany are serving drinks again. Ian is sitting alone, doing nothing. Fartin, Pauline’s 13 year-old son, sits at the bar.

Ian: Residents’ Meeting!

Fartin: Can I have a beer please?

Grant: Aren’t you a little young, Fartin?

Fartin: No. (he farts loudly) Ugh, ‘scuse me…

Grant: How old are you?

Fartin: Thirty-eight.

Grant: Oh alright then. So, what beer do you want?

Fartin: Er – I dunno. That one there.

He points to a bottle behind Grant.

Grant: That’s vodka, you idiot.

Fartin: I don’t care, I wannit anyway.

Grant: Well, OK then.

He gives Fartin the bottle. He gulps it all down in one go.

Fartin: That’s… (he farts again)… great.

Fartin stands up on his bar stool and falls head-first right over the bar, and lands on the other side.

Ian: I said Residents’ Meeting!

Grant: Piss off Ian, nobody cares.

Grant picks up Fartin and throws him – literally – right out of the pub. He ends up in the masonry of the house across the road.

Tiffany: Nice work, Grant!

Ian: Er, Grant, was that my cousin you just killed?

Grant: Um, yeah, probably.

Ian: Oh well. More importantly, is anybody coming to this residents’ meeting!

Everyone: NO!

Ian: Ah, I might as well just piss off home then.

Everyone: OK THEN, THAT WOULD BE NICE.

Ian: Hmm… why are you all speaking in unison?

Everyone: WE HAVE NO IDEA!

Ian: How do you do it?

Everybody pulls out their scripts.

Everyone: SEE, WE ALL HAVE LINES TO LEARN!

Ian: Oh. I’d better have a look at mine sometime then. Maybe it can tell me what’s going to happen this episode.

Ian leaves.

Everyone: PHEW, THANK GOD HE’S GONE. NOW WE CAN ALL GET BACK TO OUR DRINKS.

Scene 6

Ian is walking through Herbert Square, reading his script.

Ian: Hang on, that’s funny – it says I get swallowed by a giant fish in a minute! And I thought this was a serious, hard-hitting soap opera about the lives of the people of London’s East End… Well, that’s it – I quit!

Scene 7

A giant fish is walking through the other side Herbert Square, reading his script.

Giant Fish: Hang on, that’s funny – it says I swallow Ian Beale in a minute! And I thought this was a serious, hard-hitting soap opera about the lives of the fish in the River Thames… Well, that’s it – I quit! Bloody scriptwriters.

Scene 8

Ian in Herbert Square.

Ian: Bloody scriptwriters.

Alex Warren (V.O.): Oi!

TO BE CONTINUED…

WILL IAN REALLY GET SWALLOWED BY A GIANT FISH? WILL BIANCAAAR EVER LEARN TO KEEP THAT BLOODY NOISE DOWN? WILL FARTIN EVER LEARN TO KEEP THAT BLOODY NOSE DOWN? WILL IAN REALLY GET SWALLOWED BY A GIANT FISH OR WAS IT ALL JUST A BIG LIE? AND WHY DOES COWPAT WEAR SUCH RIDICULOUS EARRINGS? MORE IMPORTANTLY, DOES ANYBODY CARE? AND WHY DO I MAKE SOME WORDS BOLD, BUT NOT OTHERS? FOR THE ANSWERS TO SOME OTHER QUESTIONS, CAREFULLY NEGLECTING THE ANSWERS TO THOSE ABOVE, CHECK OUT EPISODE TWO OF “BEASTENDERS” !…

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Copyright © 2005 OneBollock.com / Alex Warren